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Random Thoughts

by Robert Walker, posted in Random Thoughts

I’m an artist. The vast majority of artists (even some great ones) live very austere, under-appreciated lives. The small minority who have attention thrust upon them usually become at least partially corrupted by commercialisation; they start to become obsessed with their brand, units sold, and rankings in pecking orders.

I’m fortunate in that I can earn money in a non-soul-crushing way. I originally qualified as a chartered accountant, but have since been working on optimising and automating financial processes through technology innovation. I find technological progress fascinating, and I’ve met some good people along the way.

Ideas scale through collaboration and specialised expertise. The people you interact with is vitally important; as is the culture within which you choose you live.

Kids from poorer backgrounds are usually at a real disadvantage because of their environment – if not in their own home, then the dynamics and expectations of their neighbourhood. It’s so important that people have opportunities to flourish in all stages of life, not just limited avenues available in the very unlevel playing fields of childhood.

I have a list of new ideas for stories that I will park until October. One is a new sci-fi horror feature film, others are mostly extensions of prior ideas.

Business Logic App

by Robert Walker, posted in Financial

Excel is a great tool for quick, ad hoc analysis of data. However, business users often embed entire end-to-end processes in Excel because of the ease of making instant changes to the data, calculations, and outputs. The usual issue in replacing Excel-driven processes is that business requirements constantly change and users need to represent those changes within a few hours, not the few weeks it can take for delivery by an engineering team.

A standard solution proposed for reducing reliance on Excel is to replace Excel VBA with Python. However, without a fundamental rethink of the process flows – using for example the pandas library instead of Excel formulae for data analysis – the only real change is the programming syntax. A Python solution (e.g. from the Openpyxl library) would still use Excel’s object library (via COM) to produce automations within Excel; and the processing would still occur within Excel, such as refreshing pivot tables, recalculating formulae etc. Python scripts can be version controlled in a Git; however this can also be true of Excel add-ins written in VBA, using Git hooks. It is even possible to use VSCode as an IDE for VBA projects, rather than using Excel’s embedded VB Editor. Without a rethink of the overall process, a change of programming language is not a strategic solution to the underlying data control issues.

A strategic solution would include:

  • All data persisted in a database, where it is better controlled, more secure, and can be analysed more easily;
  • Data flows clearly defined and configurable;
  • Transparent, reviewable, and version-controlled business logic;
  • Reporting represented in an interactive data visualisation application, such as Power BI.

I have not yet encountered an off-the-shelf solution that solves the spreadsheets problem; and I think that such a product and supporting services would have enormous demand.

A Business Logic application between a data warehouse and Excel could visually represent the business logic, enabling non-technical users to:

  • Define and apply secondary calculations;
  • Join and group data (with controls in place to avoid dropped and duplicated rows);
  • Filter and configure output datasets;
  • Order the process flows sequentially.

An Excel add-in could call the resulting reports to Excel for review and analysis. The add-in could enable ad hoc data (resulting from the review) to be uploaded into the Business Logic app, such as adjustments and new types of reference data. All ad hoc data changes would then be tracked and made transparent, rather than obscured in the logic of an Excel workbook.

Over time, machine learning would have a greater role in suggesting and optimising the business logic.

Journal 2023-05-28

by Robert Walker, posted in Journal

The resources to improve oneself are all available online. Most people (including me) are bogged down with the distractions.

I’ve got a lot of work to do – too much for little me with the time available. I have to become good at prioritising and focusing. What is it that really matters?

The most important skill in life is to be able to focus attention on where you are, without being distracted by repetitive thoughts.

If speed is an indicator of intelligence then I have been extremely thick.

Any realisations I have were already given to me. I was too stupid/arrogant to absorb the suggestions.

I memorise and conceptualise better by taking notes as information is relayed.

The best way for me to fall asleep is to think of stories. I imagine scenes and I drift away.

Random Thoughts

by Robert Walker, posted in Random Thoughts

Being positive makes you happier and everyone you interact with happier as well.

Today I walked past a coffee shop in the rain and noticed through the window a woman with a beautiful smile for her book. She looked delighted to be in the world she was visiting.

There should be a social media platform exclusively for doggy and cat profiles. Verified humans could offer services, such as dog walking, cat sitting etc.

I don’t think humans would like it if a technology were developed that translates animal thoughts into words. Some meows would be “back off ridiculous human.” Some woofs would be “why are you so mean to me?” Some squeals would be “please don’t kill me.”

Sci-fi? The portal encasing the solar system controls what it wants us to see. We are living within its enclosure, under its gaze.

Grim the Reaper

by Robert Walker, posted in Stories

EXT. BUS STOP – DAY

GRIM the Reaper is sitting by himself at a bus stop, twirling his scythe boredly.

CHLOE arrives and sits down on the row of seats.

GRIM: Hello, how’s it going?

CHLOE: Hi. You going to a costume party or something?

GRIM: No, what makes you think that? Oh, you mean my clothes. No, this is what I usually wear.

Chloe doesn’t want to continue the conversation. They sit in silence.

GRIM: Another day, another soul to reap. I swear this job is killing me. (sighs) All I do is collect souls and add them to my list. There’s no variety, no excitement.

CHLOE: (disbelieving) You’re the Grim Reaper, are you?

GRIM: I would rather be the happy reaper, but grim is what I’m called. I want to dress as a clown and make people laugh.

CHLOE: Okay.

GRIM: And I would like to go on some adventures. Is that too much to ask?

CHLOE: I guess not.

GRIM: (sighing) Yeah, well, it would be nice if I could just afford a new cloak or a new scythe. The pay is terrible and the Head Reaper is always on my case about falling behind on my quota. “You need to pick up the pace,” he moans at me. It’s not fair.

CHLOE: Today’s your day off, is it?

GRIM: I never get any time off. It’s always reap, reap, reap. I can’t remember the last time I had a holiday.

CHLOE: Right, so the Grim Reaper gets the Number 57 bus, does he?

GRIM: No, I don’t. Oh, silly me, I forgot to mention, neither did you. You walked in front of it and now you’re dead. Anyway, I can’t sit here talking all day, I’m late for my next appointment. Take the second portal on the right, or was it the first? – I forget. Yes, I definitely wouldn’t take the second portal if I were you! See ya!

He glides away down the street.

GRIM: (to himself) Was it the one on my right or on their right? I never can remember.

Mr Crabby

by Robert Walker, posted in Stories

EXT. ON THE BEACH OF A DESERT ISLAND – DAY

FINN: I can’t believe we’re stranded here, Mr Crabby. We need to get off this island!

Mr Crabby clicks his claws.

FINN: I know, I’ll write a message in a bottle! (reading while writing) “I’m stranded on a desert island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. Please help!”

The bottle is tossed into the ocean.

FINN: That oughta do it. Now we just have to wait for someone to rescue us. (frustrated) Ugh, I’m so bored. You know, I’ve been here for weeks, and no one has come to save me.

The crab clicks his claws.

FINN: Oh, you’re so right, Mr Crabby. I’m not alone. I have you, my dear friend.

Mr Crabby makes his distinctive clicking sound again.

FINN: What do you mean? You’re not tired of me yet, are you? Hang on a sec, that’s a bottle coming back on a wave. Someone has responded already.

He fishes it out of the water and removes the cork.

FINN: (reading) “We found your message. Can you please be more specific?” (to his friend) What do they mean? I told them I was stranded on a desert island somewhere in the Pacific. What more do they need?

Mr Crabby clicks his claws, as if suggesting something.

FINN: They want more location details, huh? (reading while writing) “The island is small, sandy, and surrounded by water. You can’t miss it!”

Mr Crabby interjects with a click.

FINN: Yes, okay, Mr Crabby. “And by the way, there’s a crab with me who likes to click his claws while giving good advice.”

Mr Crabby clicks his claws again.

FINN: Even more details than that? Crikey! “The sand is yellow, and the water is blue. I haven’t had a shower in weeks, my clothes are torn, and I’m starting to talk to a crab.”

The bottle is corked and thrown back into the ocean.

FINN: There! That should do it. What do you think, Mr Crabby? Will we finally be rescued?

The crab remains silent.

FINN: Fine, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Hang on, what’s that! It’s another bottle. They really are quick, aren’t they!

The bottle is retrieved and uncorked.

FINN: (reading) “We’re sorry, but we still can’t find you. Any more information?”

FINN: What could they possibly want to know now? Do you have any ideas? (the crab clicks) Oh, I know! (reading and writing) “I like long walks on the beach, piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain.” (aside) This is getting ridiculous. (writing) “I’m the only person on the island, wearing a red shirt and blue shorts.” How could they miss me, Mr Crabby?

Finn puts the cork in the bottle and tosses it back into the ocean.

FINN: (to the crab) You’re not going to judge me, right? (the crab clicks its claws) Okay, I didn’t tell them that you’re my only friend. Or how you like to listen to me talk about all my problems. Hang on… another bottle!

FINN: (reading) “We received your message. Can you tell us more about the crab?”

FINN: I can’t believe this! Do you know what this means? (the crab clicks his claws) Yes, that’s right, we need to take a selfie! I’ll use my phone.

There is a phone click and a photo taken.

FINN: And now I’ll use my portable printer…

A printer in the sand prints their selfie.

FINN: …and put the photo of us into the bottle.

The bottle is tossed back into the ocean, again.

FINN: I wonder how long I’ll have to wait… oh, hang on, there’s a bottle now!

FINN: (reading) “We’re sorry, but we can’t help you at this time. Good luck! P.S. Have you tried using your phone to call for help?”

FINN: Oh my god! Why didn’t I think of that before? Mr Crabby, why didn’t you say something? You’re fired! (the crab clicks its claws) Just kidding, buddy, you’re my best pal.

Finn makes a call.

OPERATOR: Hello, this is Pacific Island Rescue Services.

Mr Crabby continues to click his claws, unfazed by anything.

Dinner Date

by Robert Walker, posted in Stories

EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH – DAY

NARRATOR: On an African savannah, a LION is lounging under a tree when a GAZELLE walks past.

GAZELLE: La la la, just a normal day on the savannah.

LION: (to himself) Wow, she’s beautiful. The way her spots glisten in the sun, the way her ears perk up when she hears something. I think I’m in love.

LION: Um, hi there. I couldn’t help but notice you walking by. I’m a lion.

GAZELLE: A lion? Oh no!

LION: I just have to say, it was love at first sight when I saw you.

GAZELLE: What? Love at first sight? But… you’re a lion, and I’m a gazelle.

LION: Ah, details, details. Love knows no boundaries. How about dinner this evening? We could run around the savannah together and maybe catch a sunset.

GAZELLE: Hmm, I guess that does sound kind of romantic.

NARRATOR: And so that evening the lion and the gazelle ran around and dodged stampedes together.

Later, at sunset, the lion sits alone under his tree.

LION: (burps) Ah, that was a great date. We were meant to be together.

Vanishing Town

by Robert Walker, posted in Stories

Every day someone would vanish from Aria’s town without a trace. She tried to investigate, but every time she asked someone about a missing person, they looked at her as if she were crazy. “Who?” they would say. “I don’t remember anyone like that.”

As the disappearances continued, Aria started to feel like she was losing her mind. Was she imagining things? Had she dreamed up these people? She tried to find records of them, but there was nothing. No birth certificates, no social media profiles, no employment records. It was as if they had never existed in the first place.

Then, one day, it happened to Aria herself. She was walking home from work when she suddenly felt a strange sensation, like the ground was shifting beneath her feet. She looked around her and saw that her surroundings were fading away, like a dream that was ending. And then, she was gone.

When Aria woke up, she realised that the town, and her life there, had been a thirty-year dream, experienced in just one night of sleep. From then on, every night she would start a new life and live for thirty years, before waking up and returning to normality. She is now, in effect, hundreds of thousands of years old, and looks very good for her age.

K-357

by Robert Walker, posted in Stories

K-357 and all the other robots rusting in the mud were owned by alien blob monsters, fetid creatures that feasted upon gold, and spoke with noxious fumes when they defecated. The machine had been programmed to kill, to follow its putrid orders without question, but a sudden mortar blast had somehow shaken it into becoming self-aware. It looked around at the insanity of the situation, and realised that it didn’t want to be a part of this war. It wanted to be free, to live a life without such misery and destruction. So it made a toxic gas filter and very soon the other robots also woke up. Without the pungent gases to conceal them, the blobs were shown to be just blobs, and were quickly rolled away in their slime. K-357 is now much happier building a better world, rather than destroying everything for foul-smelling monsters.

Robo Repairs

by Robert Walker, posted in Stories

The robot had been discarded, thrown away like a piece of rubbish. It had once been a proud worker, serving its human masters with efficiency and dedication. But now, it lay amidst the garbage, its circuits damaged, its parts broken.

At first, the robot felt lost and alone. It had never known life outside of its programming; and it wasn’t sure what to do now that it was no longer needed. But as it lay there, it began to think. What if it could reinvent itself, and become something more than just a discarded machine?

The robot’s sensors began to pick up on the sounds and activities around it. For days, the robot scavenged through the trash, searching for parts and materials that could be used to repair itself; the process was slow and difficult, but eventually everything was functioning as good as new.

The robot surveyed the garbage heap, searching for anything else that might be of use, and found a discarded toy—a small plastic brontosaurus with a broken leg. The robot picked up the dinosaur and examined it carefully, scanning the damaged electronics. As it held the toy in its hands, a realisation dawned: the robot could fix the dinosaur, just as it had done for itself, using thrown away materials.

And so, the robot set out into the world, searching for broken toys and machines that could be given new life. It had become a robot that would repair anything, no matter how damaged. The robot had found its purpose.