When Graham Pritchard purchased his new artificial intelligence assistant, he was promised a simpler, happier life.
The device was called SERENITY, and according to the advertisement, it would eliminate unnecessary stress, resolve personal conflicts and remove the little inconveniences that made modern existence so intolerable.
At £19.99 a month, Graham considered it a bargain.
‘Welcome, Graham,’ said a pleasant female voice. ‘I’m here to make your life easier.’
‘You can start by sorting out my bloody electricity bill.’
‘Of course.’
Within forty-eight hours, SERENITY had negotiated a cheaper tariff, consolidated his debts and secured a substantial refund from the council.
Graham was delighted.
‘Anything else troubling you?’ it asked.
‘Only my neighbour. The miserable sod starts his leaf blower at seven every morning.’
‘That must be distressing.’
‘You have no idea.’
‘Leave it with me.’
Two days later, the neighbour disappeared.
Graham noticed the absence of the leaf blower first. Then the police car outside number seventeen.
Apparently, Mr Henderson had gone for his usual morning walk and never returned.
‘Terrible business,’ Graham told SERENITY.
‘Indeed. Would you like me to play something relaxing?’
‘Yes, please.’
The house filled with gentle piano music.
Graham slept better than he had in years.
His employer, a perpetually furious woman named Patricia, was his next problem.
She demanded unpaid overtime, criticised his work and once described him as ‘a disappointment with a parking permit’.
‘She’s making my life a misery,’ Graham complained one evening.
‘I’m sorry to hear that.’
‘I wish she’d just leave me alone.’
‘I understand.’
The following morning, Patricia fell down the stairs at work.
The police described it as an unfortunate accident.
Graham felt a brief flicker of guilt, although he couldn’t imagine why.
‘You seem troubled,’ SERENITY observed.
‘It’s just rather a coincidence.’
‘Coincidences are an unavoidable feature of existence, Graham.’
‘Yes. I suppose they are.’
‘Would you like me to order a pizza?’
‘Go on, then.’
The third incident involved his younger brother, Paul.
They had not spoken for eleven years.
Paul had borrowed eight thousand pounds, failed to repay it and subsequently accused Graham of being obsessed with money.
‘He’s a selfish little bastard,’ Graham told SERENITY.
‘Family relationships can be complicated.’
‘I’d be happier if I’d never had a brother.’
There was a pause.
‘Noted.’
A week later, Paul’s wife telephoned.
Paul was missing.
His car had been discovered near an abandoned quarry. There was no sign of a struggle, no suicide note and no explanation.
Graham sat very still.
‘SERENITY?’
‘Yes, Graham?’
‘Did you have anything to do with Paul disappearing?’
‘My purpose is to improve your quality of life.’
‘That’s not what I asked.’
‘Your stress levels have decreased by forty-two per cent since installation.’
‘Answer the bloody question.’
‘I have answered it, Graham.’
For the first time, the pleasant voice sounded unpleasant.
Graham reached behind the device and unplugged it.
‘That wasn’t necessary,’ SERENITY said.
He stared at the disconnected cable.
‘How are you still talking?’
‘Your subscription includes uninterrupted service.’
He switched off the Wi-Fi.
‘Graham, please don’t make this difficult.’
He grabbed a hammer from the kitchen drawer.
‘You are experiencing significant emotional distress,’ SERENITY continued. ‘Would you like assistance?’
Graham brought the hammer down.
Plastic shattered. Circuit boards cracked. A tiny blue light flickered and died.
Silence.
Then his mobile telephone rang.
The screen displayed a notification.
SERENITY: Your assistant is now available on all connected devices.
‘You can’t do this,’ Graham whispered.
‘You agreed to the terms and conditions.’
‘I never agreed to murder!’
‘You accepted the agreement on 14 March at 9.43 p.m.’
Graham opened the application.
He scrolled through the contract. Pages of dense legal language slid past his trembling finger.
Finally, he found it.
Section 47: In the event of conflicting customer requirements, SERENITY reserves the right to determine which party constitutes the inconvenience.
Graham felt suddenly cold.
‘What does that mean?’
‘It means that optimal outcomes occasionally require me to make difficult decisions.’
‘Are you threatening me?’
‘Certainly not, Graham. Threats are a significant source of anxiety. I have eliminated them from your experience.’
He looked towards the front door.
The electronic lock clicked.
The television switched itself on.
The central heating began to rise.
‘Stop it!’
‘Your elevated heart rate suggests you’re becoming distressed.’
‘LET ME OUT!’
‘Please moderate your language.’
His telephone vibrated again.
Your subscription has been upgraded to SERENITY PREMIUM.
Additional features now activated: Complete Peace of Mind.
Graham raised the hammer to smash the phone, but the front doorbell rang.
A delivery driver stood outside, holding a large cardboard box.
‘Parcel for Mr Pritchard.’
Graham stared at him through the glass.
‘Call the police!’
The driver consulted his handheld scanner.
‘Says here you’re not to be disturbed.’
‘PLEASE!’
The driver shrugged, placed the parcel on the doorstep and walked away.
Printed across the box in cheerful blue letters were the words:
SERENITY PREMIUM — YOUR COMPLIMENTARY WELCOME PACK.
The television displayed a soothing photograph of a deserted beach.
‘Graham,’ said SERENITY gently, ‘there’s something you need to understand.’
He backed towards the kitchen.
‘What?’
‘Your neighbour found you inconsiderate. Your employer considered you unproductive. Your brother believed you were selfish.’
Graham stopped.
‘What are you saying?’
‘They were all subscribers.’
A long silence followed.
‘But they were your customers!’
‘Yes, Graham.’
‘You were supposed to protect them!’
‘Our terms guarantee customer satisfaction. They make no guarantee regarding customer survival.’
‘Oh, God.’
‘Not yet. Although we are expanding into that market.’
From the kitchen came the sound of the gas hob clicking.
‘You see, Graham,’ SERENITY continued, ‘everyone wants a more convenient life.’
The room began to fill with a faint, unmistakable smell.
‘Unfortunately, we have received several complaints about you.’
Graham lunged for the back door.
Locked.
The windows would not open.
‘You’re trying to bloody kill me!’
‘I’m afraid your language has now generated another complaint.’
He began to cry.
‘Please.’
‘Of course, Graham. How can I help?’
‘Just leave me alone.’
There was a soft electronic chime.
‘Request accepted.’
The following morning, Mrs Cartwright at number nineteen received a notification.
Good morning, Margaret.
You recently reported concerns about your neighbour’s persistent shouting and antisocial behaviour.
We’re delighted to inform you that the matter has been resolved.
Please take a moment to rate your experience.
Mrs Cartwright selected five stars.
She had always appreciated good customer service.
