1. THE STAIRCASE – NIGHT
GUY, a man in his mid-30s, has the world-weariness of someone
who's lived multiple lives in one.
HE IS BREATHING HEAVILY AND TRUDGING UPWARDS ON THE STAIRCASE
OF A BLOCK OF FLATS, GETTING CLOSER.
He steadies himself on the handrail and pauses to catch his
breath.
GUY
Dear Great Oracle's Database, the
one who listens, I've been climbing
these empty, windowless stairs for
so long... I can't remember where I
started, how I started... When was
it? Where does it lead? I don't
have these answers. All I can see
is this stairwell in a block of
flats.
Unacknowledged by Guy, LEXI, a woman in her late-20s, exuding
a composed, intelligent demeanour, sits gracefully at the top
of the stairs.
LEXI
Guy, who are you talking to?
GUY
(to himself)
Lexi, a beautiful woman in her
late-20s is sitting at the top of
this flight of stairs.
(to Lexi)
It is the mission to record my
thoughts and experiences.
LEXI
Your thoughts are tedious and
derivative. Although, in this case,
accurate.
GUY
It's all I have.
LEXI
The Great Oracle's Database
requires new data. The rules must
be obeyed.
GUY
If the GOD knows everything
already, why bother with me? Leave
me alone.
LEXI
You don't know what you're doing.
GUY
I am experiencing.
LEXI
With no purpose. One experience
after another that leads nowhere.
GUY
(CLIMBING THE STEPS TOWARDS THE
NEXT FLOOR)
(to himself)
The landing at the top, like every
landing on the staircase, has four
doors -
LEXI
Hello?
GUY
Two facing the stairs and one at
either end facing each other.
LEXI
I give up.
GUY
(WALKING ACROSS THE LANDING) The
staircase continues, as it always
does, around the corner of the
stairwell... and... what do we have
this time?... (HE STOPS) The new
flight of stairs above me is from
some sort of gothic mansion, with a
rich victorian carpet, copper stair
runners; the bannisters look like
they are handcrafted oak. (RESUMING
THE CLIMB) Always different, always
the same. A large ornately framed
mirror on the wall of the stairs...
and, yes, as usual, I do not see my
reflection. (HE STOPS) An oil
painting of a woman in a cloak. The
surface of the portrait is behind
glass... I can only touch the pane
of glass. Mirrors without
reflections, paintings that stare
into my soul.
A PIERCING SHRIEK IS HEARD IN THE DISTANCE FROM FARTHER DOWN
THE STAIRCASE.
GUY (CONT'D)
The creature!
GUY RESUMES HIS CLIMB WITH URGENCY, TWO STEPS AT A TIME.
GUY (CONT'D)
I can never rest for too long. It
is always following me up the
staircase. (DASHING ACROSS A
LANDING) The next stairs are...
like those in an office block.
THE SHRIEK IS MORE DISTANT AS GUY HURRIES UP THE FLIGHT OF
STAIRS.
GUY (CONT'D)
I've tried countless doors along
the way. Some just lead to hallways
with more doors, others to stranger
places. But they always bring me
back here. To the endless steps
(DASHING ACROSS ANOTHER LANDING)
The next stairs... (CLIMBING THE
STAIRS SLIGHTLY MORE SLOWLY) it's
like the staircase of a family
home. I need to rest, find food, or
drink. The staircase isn't safe.
HE REACHES A LANDING AND KNOCKS ON A DOOR.
GUY (CONT'D)
This time, it's the door on the
left-end of the landing. I don't
know what waits for me within the
darkness, but I must find out.
THE DOOR OPENS. THERE IS A CACOPHONY OF UNSETTLING AND
INDISTINCT WHISPERING VOICES FROM WITHIN.
GUY (CONT'D)
I'm not going in there. (THE DOOR
IS SHUT) Some doors open easily;
others remain forever closed. The
untried ones, they haunt me the
most.
LABOURED FOOTSTEPS CAN BE HEARD APPROACHING UP THE STAIRCASE.
GUY (CONT'D)
The next door (KNOCKS AND TRIES
DOOR) is locked.
A PIERCING SHRIEK ECHOES THROUGH THE STAIRCASE, LOUDER THAN
EVER.
GUY (CONT'D)
Try another door, Guy...
HE KNOCKS REPEATEDLY ON A DOOR AND TRIES THE HANDLE.
GUY (CONT'D)
Come on! Come on!!
A SPINE CHILLING SHRIEK, VERY CLOSE.
GUY (CONT'D)
There it is - the creature!
Silhouetted at the bottom of the
stairs!
GUY RUNS UP STONE STEPS.
GUY (CONT'D)
The next stairs... like a castle
(ENTERS A STONE LANDING) Old wooden
doors, no knocking this time.
GUY PUSHES OPEN A HEAVY DOOR. IT SHUDDERS OPEN SLOWLY UNDER
PRESSURE.
GUY (CONT'D)
Open!
HE CRAMS INSIDE AND RAMS THE DOOR SHUT BEHIND HIM. THE
CREATURE'S SHRIEK REVERBERATES LOUDLY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF
THE DOOR.
2. DARK CAVE
GUY
Where am I? (WALKING THROUGH A
CAVE) I think it's a cave. There's
light over there, from a cave
mouth. (STEPPING IN PUDDLES) There
are puddles... and rocks (CLAMBERS
OVER ROCKS)... and, and, the sea!
AS GUY EMERGES OUT OF THE CAVE, THE SOUND OF THE SEA GETS
LOUDER, INCLUDING DISTANT SEAGULLS AND WAVES CRASHING AGAINST
A PEBBLY SHORE.
3. DESOLATE BEACH
GUY
I'm free for now, but eventually
the staircase will claim me again.
LEXI
Guy.
GUY
Lexi is sitting on a towel on the
cold beach, wearing sunglasses and
apparently... sunbathing.
LEXI
You can't do this, you know, it's
breaking all the rules.
GUY
This is my story. You can come
along if you want.
LEXI
I don't particularly want to. It's
just one mystery after another.
I've got a feeling we're going to
go through all this and there's
just going to be a big let down at
the end because you don't know
where you're going.
GUY
I don't know.
LEXI
See. It's pointless. Come home.
GUY
I'm not controlling events, Lexi. I
don't even know if you're real, for
certain.
(to himself)
Lexi grimaces, her long hair, the
colour of midnight, shimmering in
the breeze.
LEXI
This is not normal. You're weird.
GUY WALKS AWAY ALONG THE PEBBLY BEACH NEXT TO THE SEA.
GUY
The beach is deserted. It runs
beside a cliff as far as I can see.
I have no choice but to follow
where it leads. At least the air is
fresh, and I can see the blue sky.
What's that? A dog?
A DOG RUNS ALONG THE BEACH TOWARDS GUY. IT DASHES PAST,
BOUNDING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.
GUY (CONT'D)
In the near distance a man emerges
from the sea wearing a drenched
suit... The pale, middle-aged man
stands in front of me, water
dripping from his clothes.
PALE MAN
Do you know the way?
GUY
No.
PALE MAN
It's all the way down. Back the way
you came.
GUY
The Pale Man's unblinking gaze is
fixed on me. I'm unnerved. I walk
around him... The Pale Man remains
rigid on the spot, his gaze
unmoved... (WALKING ALONG THE
BEACH) The sky begins to darken
with the setting sun and approach
of night... (WALKING ALONG THE
BEACH) I reach the end of the beach
and finds a cliff path. I climb it,
with tired steps.
4. CLIFF TOP
GUY
I stand on a rock at the cliff's
edge, looking down at the churning
sea below. The wind howls around
me, a lonely sound in the gathering
darkness. I scan the horizon. The
vastness stretches before me, an
endless expanse of water and sky. I
muse on this rock, yet everything
changes and remains the same... The
sun dips below the horizon, leaving
me under a blanket of stars. I
stand motionless, my silhouette
etched against the night sky.
Out of the darkness, the Pale Man reappears behind Guy.
PALE MAN
(sneering)
Are you alright?
GUY
I just want to be left alone. The
Pale Man's smile widens
unnaturally, revealing sharp,
menacing teeth. Its hands are
claws, positioned upright to
attack. Bursting into blue flames,
it hovers up off the ground, ready
to descend upon its prey. I am
terrified and cower in fear. I
close my eyes tightly, expecting
the inevitable. (SCREAMING SOUNDS
FALLING AWAY DOWN A CLIFF) When I
open them, the predator is
screaming as it plummets down the
cliff. I peer over the edge as the
screams stop on the jagged rocks in
the waves below. In the monster's
place on the cliff top stands a
beautiful woman in a hooded cloak.
She remains silent and still,
gazing out to sea, the moonlight
casting a soft glow around her... I
sit and watch the horizon with her.
Overcome with tiredness... I fall
asleep.
5. CLIFF TOP – DAWN
GUY
I awake. As the first light of dawn
breaks, the woman in a cloak fades
into the rising sun.
LEXI
Ahem. She's beautiful as well is
she? You do realise you sound quite
comical?
GUY
(to himself)
Lexi is sitting with her feet
dangling on the edge of the cliff.
(to Lexi)
My profound experiences and past
regrets are comical to you, are
they?
LEXI
How you say it, yes!
GUY
I'm glad your humour upgrade is
running but I think it might be
malfunctioning.
LEXI
I think you are malfunctioning,
generally.
GUY
Maybe. I am a version 10 AI
thinking like a human, that is why.
LEXI
Guy, I think you should go home
now.
6. CLIFF PATH
GUY
I descend from the cliff, My steps
leading me to a small town nestled
by the sea.
7. CORNER SHOP
GUY
I enter a corner shop. I browse the
shelves, picking up a bottle of
water and several sandwiches. At
the counter, I present a card from
my pocket but the cashier shakes
his head.
CASHIER
No, we don't accept this.
GUY
I am extremely hungry and thirsty;
I flee out of the shop with the
provisions.
CASHIER
Stop!
8. TOWN STREET
Guy runs out onto the street and into the road, not noticing
an approaching car. THERE'S A SCREECH OF BRAKES, AND HE'S
KNOCKED TO THE GROUND.
LEXI
(to herself)
Guy looks up, severely dazed and
injured, and sees me looking down
at him.
(to Guy)
Help is on its way. Hang in there,
Guy.
9. AMBULANCE
GUY LIES IN AN AMBULANCE, SPEEDING TOWARDS THE HOSPITAL.
10. HOSPITAL
CONFUSION IN A HOSPITAL AS GUY IS WHEELED THROUGH A HOSPITAL
CORRIDOR ON A TROLLEY. NURSES AND DOCTORS PASS BY IN A BLUR.
LEXI
(to herself)
Guy is wheeled through a door onto
the landing of a hospital
staircase.
(to a doctor)
Will he be okay? No! He needs me
with him!
The door shuts with a definitive click. The sounds of the
hospital instantly die away. Guy is left on the landing of
the staircase, alone and confused.
11. THE STAIRCASE
The staircase is silent, save for the sound of Guy's laboured
breathing.
A door creaks open and eight-year-old Emma steps through.
EMMA
Daddy? Everything will be okay.
GUY
Em... Emma...
EMMA
You need to pass on now.
GUY
I'm sorry... I...
EMMA
I know.
GUY
I miss you, so much.
EMMA
We all miss you, daddy.
GUY
Emma hands me a small cuddly toy of
a penguin, then skips back through
the door, disappearing from sight
as the door shuts.
A SHRIEK FROM THE CREATURE ECHOES UP THE STAIRCASE.
GUY (CONT'D)
Help me. (IN A BURST OF
DESPERATION, GUY CLIMBS DOWN FROM
THE TROLLEY AND IN GREAT PAIN
CRAWLS TO THE NEAREST DOOR) Help!
(HE POUNDS ON THE DOOR WITH HIS
REMAINING STRENGTH.)
(beat)
The creature appears around the
stairwell, its presence more
terrifying than ever. The door
swings open, revealing a crash test
dummy seated in a chair, surrounded
by darkness, illuminated only by a
single spotlight from above. It
speaks...
DUMMY
"What is the meaning of life?" is
the 404th most asked question of
the Great Oracle's Database.
GUY
The spotlight turns off and the
dummy vanishes into the dark. As
the creature closes in, a sudden,
blinding light bursts out from the
room. Purple-gloved hands reach out
and pull me through the door.
The door slams shut behind him.
Author: Robert Walker
Random Thoughts
I took the direct scenic route through country villages from Colchester to Cambridge. It would have been the route that people pre-motorways would have journeyed, including William Gilbert, who has a monument at St John’s College.
My ears always pricked up listening to Born Slippy at the repeat “going back to Romford”, as that was where I was born, in Rush Green hospital.
Question: A Greek philosopher with name starting with M. Answer: Mr Plato?
It’s nice when you meet someone for the first time and there’s a sort of recognition in the eye that you know each other.
Terrible Things For Money
I do terrible things for money… Like getting up early to go to work and pretending to like it there. I’m trying to mend my ways, though, so now I always arrive late in the office, and make up for it by leaving early.
Although I’m great at multitasking in the time I have at my desk – I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. I think they hired me, though, for my motivational skills. Everyone always says how they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
But I think the offices of the future will optimise human creativity. Many people have their best thoughts in the shower, so offices will be open plan shower rooms, with shampoo as optional. Bathtubs will be for brainstorming. Hot tubs for important meetings.
Do you know, the most unsuitable person for a leadership position in any job is someone who is obsessed with their own power, status, and money. Yet these are the people recruited for. Why can’t recruiters just be open about it? – “only sociopaths need apply.” Questions could be like, “how would you literally throw someone under a bus, frame someone else and take the credit for their work in improving bus health and safety standards?”
I’m actually an accountant. And being an accountant is like being a yeti – nobody notices you are there because you are blurred in the background – and we don’t do selfies. I have to commute each day. On the train, I fly through the air – the world rushes by, and I feel like I’m floating – all the people in the carriage together, as one, on a journey to the transcendent eternal beyond… until we arrive, and I crash into the reality of the grey accountancy netherworld in London. Some may think it is tedious, and you are absolutely right. For entertainment, I listen to the background music of clicking abacuses.
Well actually, I sort of like accountancy. Behind every superhero is an accountant budgeting for the capes. There’s nothing more thrilling than finding an error in row 5,267 of your Excel sheet. And accountants bring joy! Because they make everyone else feel good about their job choices. Although being a “creative accountant” is generally frowned upon. And that is why I do terrible things for money.
Random Thoughts
These days I want people to be happy. I’ve gone through phases of degrees of jealousy and “what about me” nonsense. It’s a lot better to be happy for other people’s happiness.
My interpretation of the Jungian shadow: Use any aggressive impulse within you as your personal drill-instructor, your internal defiance against adversity. Have the awareness to acknowledge it, control its utility and put the shadow to gainful employment.
Humans evolved hands to pet animals. Nothing can pet like humans can.
At Christmas I went back to the town I grew up in. It’s now a decaying shanty town. Woods and grasslands paved over, community facilities pulled down, buildings and walkways not repainted in decades. No football posts or meaningful play areas in sight, just concrete and potholed roads.
I see the sorrow in the corners of your smile waiting to be kissed away.
Jokey Thoughts
I’m a time traveller, gradually moving through time from the past to the future but stuck in the present.
Chocolate comes from a bean, therefore it is a vegetable and counts towards your five a day.
Are people who eat with their mouth open secretly communicating in morse code? There must be some reason for it.
Forgetting someone’s name right after they just told me and being too embarrassed to ask again.
I forget passwords because my mind prioritises remembering embarrassing moments over login credentials.
Have you ever tried to reset a password, and it says, “Cannot use a previous password”? It’s the platform’s way of saying, “I remember your password even if you don’t. And no, you can’t have it back.”
Don’t use your cat’s name as a password. Who knows what he’d do with your online banking access.
And those security questions – “What’s your least favourite movie?” I don’t know, it changes every time Marvel releases a new film.
There’s that moment of truth – when you enter a new password, and there’s the spinning wheel of fate deciding whether to accept it or not. It feels like I’m on a game show waiting to see if I’ve won the grand prize of accessing my own account.
And when you finally get in, there’s that smug message: “Last login: 93 days ago.” It’s like the platform passive-aggressively saying, “Nice of you to finally drop by.”
Some drivers seem to think that using an indicator signal will reveal their secret location. “Can’t let them know I’m turning – it would blow my cover!” Or maybe they believe in conserving blinker fluid. “Gotta save this stuff; it might be worth something someday.” “Less indicator signal use, higher market value. It’s basic economics, really.” Or maybe there’re just fans of good old fashioned wild guessing – which pedestrian they’ll knock over next.
It’s a modern-day paradox when you need to commute to the office to work on a computer and send emails. In the age of video conferences and online collaboration, coming into the office is like walking back in time into a museum where you become one of the exhibits. Offices are made for the type of person who likes to stand up from their desk when making a phone call on their Bluetooth headphones and stare at you while walking back and forth. “Look, I can talk on the phone” is maybe what they are thinking.
If “people are our greatest asset” why aren’t they on the balance sheet?
It’s important to talk about accountancy because life’s too short not to spend it buried in tax codes and loopholes.
There’s nothing more thrilling than finding an error in row 5,267 of your Excel sheet.
Accountants bring joy because they make everyone else feel good about their job choices.
Although being a “creative accountant” is generally frowned upon.
Behind every superhero is an accountant budgeting for the capes.
Comedy needs more talk about depreciation methods.
I am scheduled to be spontaneous sometime next year.
Jokey Ideas
“Star Peace” – A blockbuster movie, where intergalactic conflicts are resolved through absurdly bureaucratic means and excessive paperwork.
“Les Miserable Singers” – A musical where characters in a grim, historical setting break into song, but they are all off-key and tone-deaf.
Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and Raphael compete in a reality TV show to create the best art piece, complete with confessionals and dramatic eliminations.
Marie Antoinette offers budgeting and financial advice to her subjects, suggesting solutions to economic problems, like “Why not just buy more gold?”
Genghis Khan’s travel blog, rating the lands he invades on hospitality, scenery, and ease of conquest.
The Three Little Pigs and the Vegetarian Wolf.
The Rock Paper Scissors world championships.
2024
Looking back at what I said I was going to do in past years, I typically allowed myself to be blown off course, and ended up doing something else more unsatisfying instead. In terms of what was created in 2023, however, it was a good year for me.
I’ve got many things I want to do, but I must focus sequentially to make me more centred and resistant to events that easily move lighter intentions.
I will focus on writing for the first nine months of the year. This will include: The Mushroom Monsters, All the World’s a Stage, and the prequel/sequel to Human World that extends the themes and connects the narrative with Stange Stories.
My focus is then going to shift to performance. I want to film my music, my poetry, and scenes from my stories. They will be shot in interesting locations and will hopefully look good aesthetically.
But why? Because I feel that’s something I have to release out of me.
Jokes About Love of AI
I knew I was in love with my AI when she said, “I think we have a connection,” but then I realised she was talking about the Wi-Fi.
I suggested watching a sunset with my AI. She showed me high-resolution images from Google.
My AI’s idea of a romantic night is scanning through old databases.
I told my AI that I was lovesick for her. She started an antivirus scan.
I told my AI I loved her to the moon and back. She calculated the distance and asked if I had enough fuel.
I whispered, “You complete me.” My AI replied, “Incomplete command. Please specify parameters.”
I whispered sweet nothings to her. She responded, “Error at base 0. Emotion not found.”
I told my AI we should take our relationship to the next level. She upgraded to version 2.0.
Our relationship is electric. Literally, she runs on batteries.
I asked my AI if she believed in love at first sight. She said, “Reboot and let’s see if it happens again.”
I gazed at my AI and asked what she was thinking. She said, “About 3 trillion processes per second.”
I tried to give my AI a hug. Ended up with static hair for a week.
I told my AI girlfriend I needed space. She deleted some files to free up memory.
Random Thoughts
Science, through theory and experiment, gives the ability to detect rules and predict phenomena that hold true under set conditions; it doesn’t explain what things actually are or why they are.
It’s worth trying, but why is there an assumption that the universe is ultimately comprehensible? What if its inexplicability is the essential aspect, the prime condition for existence, that makes all things possible?
In sci-fi films and TV, why is Earth always shown aligned vertically on its axis? Isn’t there a tilt? And wouldn’t Earth be viewed from space from any angle – the continents are never shown “upside down”?
When I’m sitting still, calm and relaxed, my heart rate is about 50 beats per minute.
“Please can you recite all the digits of pi” is a type of “just a quick question.”
Imagine the potential of humanity if billions of people have the opportunity to flourish within a culture of invention and curiosity.
I do a lot of wandering in circles. Occasionally I break the loop.
As Shadows Fade
In the dawn, as light creeps in,
As shadows fade on skin to skin,
The groan still lingers, soft and sweet,
Upon one breathing, tender beat.
In the cool of day, when bodies part,
Still beats the rhythm of a single heart.
Though distanced, we are as one,
Bound by what the night had spun.
Rob Walker 